Today's Daddy: Joseph Fielding Smith Jr.

The younger, son of the elder. Both were presidents of the Church of Latter-Day Saints at some point. His dad is actually better-looking thanks to the Old Testament beard, but Jr. isn't bad either in a 1950s middle-school librarian kind of way.

I know very little about LDS...or any religion, really. In fact, my background note on LDS is the following: "This church has produced some of the hottest patriarchs in recorded history." You know, if you're into that kind of thing.

See, for example, Wilford Woodruff, who single-whiskeredly made the no-mustache beard acceptable in my fantasy life.

Or Heber Grant, whose beaky nose and hawkish gaze create an impression of stern avuncularity that warms my backside in anticipation.

Or there's David McKay, whose genial grin must be undergirded by a core of true steel. (I'm talking about his personality.)

It's a shame that the religion practiced polygamy when polyandry was obviously its calling.